Well I'm sure there a lot of people who want to know why I'm home.... again. I'm going to be pretty real here. I'm really struggling being here and so that it is one reason I felt the need to write this because maybe something I say can help someone else. So I have started to come to the realization that maybe my depression gets really bad in the winter for some reason. Especially the Indiana winters because they are crazy! But really not exactly sure why I'm back home like god's reasoning in this but I'm sure we will figure that out one of these days.
I love Indiana with all my heart and it is really pretty heartbreaking having to leave it earlier than planned. More so the people of Indiana and the way they touched me and changed my life. I'm honestly still in shock that I'm home I'm sure all RMs feel that but I have this huge regret of telling someone that I was struggling. I mean I could still be there right now if I didn't tell anyone. I know that is stupid though because it could be harmful to my companion or myself. Still why couldn't I have just hid it or overcome it. I just wanted to serve the people. It is honestly the hardest thing to have a love for the people and want to do everything you can to help them but for some reason you just can't completely be there. There is always something telling you that you aren't enough that you can't do this. I finally decided to call my mission nurse after I had spent every night for two weeks locking myself in the bathroom crying after we came in at night. It was something I couldn't explain and I just kept getting even more mad at myself that I was so worthless and had no reason to cry. For me that is one of the hardest parts of depression is not knowing the reason behind it. Something I don't really like to tell people is that I was at the point of wanting to take my own life. That isn't something I just say for attention that is something that is very real and terrifying. I really struggle that these are my own thoughts. It makes you feel crazy. I can't believe I'm even writing that but I feel like it's something that I need to say. Sometimes it just isn't enough to 'fake it until you make it'
Jeffrey R. Holland gives a very comforting talk about this subject:
"However bewildering this all may be, these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor.
In striving for some peace and understanding in these difficult matters, it is crucial to remember that we are living—and chose to live—in a fallen world where for divine purposes our pursuit of godliness will be tested and tried again and again. Of greatest assurance in God’s plan is that a Savior was promised, a Redeemer, who through our faith in Him would lift us triumphantly over those tests and trials, even though the cost to do so would be unfathomable for both the Father who sent Him and the Son who came. It is only an appreciation of this divine love that will make our own lesser suffering first bearable, then understandable, and finally redemptive."
You know it is extremely hard to see it in that light that it is something that does need to be acknowledged but at the same time it makes you feel a little less crazy. But I do know that the only thing that has brought me true comfort is knowing that Jesus Christ is my savior. One of my favorite scriptures in The Book of Mormon is in Alma 7:11 which says:
And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
I know that he died for everyone of us and that he felt everything that we have felt and that we will ever feel. He knows our struggles and our pains. I'm not alone in this. I'm so grateful for the power that the atonement gives us to overcome sin. The love that can be felt from our heavenly father is insane! It is healing and straight up comforting. I have come to know that even though I'm not the best person all the time that I am a child of god and that I am loved.
Guys it is super hard to be home right now. Pretty much the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I've heard coming home early feels a little bit like hell and I think I could agree with that. haha. But I have hope that this time will pass. I know that whatever happens that heavenly father does have a game plan. At the moment it really is a struggle to not feel like a failure you know after trying twice and failing both times. It feels like there is so much more that could have been done. I'm sure I'll realize eventually why it all played out this way.
I really do miss Indiana I really loved every moment that I had there. Even through all the struggles. I have changed and I hope that I have helped someone along the way change. I have met so many amazing people who helped me to become a better person. So many people who helped me realize what life is really all about. I made best friends, gained some new family members and grown to love the Hoosiers. That 9 months total that I was able to spend will be something that I think about for the rest of my life.
I was able to talk to some people from Indiana today and seriously can't believe how much love these people have shown me. They truly have become like family to me. I'm for sure missing them and having the chance to share my testimony with them. But these people they have brought me peace through their Christlike love. They have helped me to better understand the atonement and the ability to change every day. I'm so grateful for that and the testimony that I have gained. I hope to visit sometime soon. :)
Well I guess to end this I just want you all to know that the only way we can find peace is through Jesus Christ as we pray and study the scriptures that we have been given. There is pure joy that can be felt as we pray for forgiveness. I know that he lives and that he loves us.
So choose the right and let the consequence follow!